Author Topic: Funnies  (Read 2610 times)

Offline castle261

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #15 on: August 17, 2020, 10:48:22 AM »
Shortest Poem.

WOODEN HORSE
WOODEN S--T   


      :o

Offline Colin walsh

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #14 on: July 08, 2020, 02:00:30 PM »
Smiler,military humour,very apt.

Offline smiler

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #13 on: July 08, 2020, 12:03:55 PM »
Vera Lynn being buried soon at the moment Dont know where Dont know when

Offline Dave Smith

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #12 on: July 06, 2020, 10:22:27 AM »
Grandma goes to Court. Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they're not prepared for the answer.
At a trial in a small southern town, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmother, to the stand. He approached her and asked," Mrs. Jones, do you know me?". She responded," why yes, I do know you Mr. Williams, I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife and you manipulate people and then talk about them behind their back. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a paper pusher. Yes, I know you".                                                The lawyer was stunned and not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, " Mrs. Jones, doyou know the defence attorney?". She again replied, " why yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted and has a drink problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire State. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, and one of them was your wife. Yes I know him".   The defence attorney nearly died.
                      The Judge then asked both counsellors to approach the bench. And in a very quiet voice he said, " if either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair!"

Offline Lyn L

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #11 on: July 03, 2020, 10:54:03 AM »
Job Perils.


Dear Jen,
Just a quick note from your bottom dwelling big brother . I know work has been a challenge for you lately, so I thought I'd try to encourage you by telling you about a bad day I had at the office last week !
First I have to fill you in on a few details. As an underwater welder , you know my office is on the sea floor and that I always wear a suit.... a wet suit that is.
   During the winter months the water gets a bit cold, so in order to keep warm, we have a heavy duty industrial water heater. The heater pumps sea water out ,heats it up on the surface and then delivers it down to us divers working at the bottom of the ocean through a hose attached to our hose !
When I get to the office , I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit, which normally works like a charm. It's like working in a hot tub. I've never had a problem with my method until last Tuesday ! I was working like normal when my bum got a bit itchy, I scratched it not thinking much about it at the time, but then it got worse MUCH WORSE !
    Suddenly my bum started to burn ! I yanked out the hose but the damage was done, and I quickly figured out what had transpired. The heater... my beloved jacuzzi, had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it directly into my suit . I don't have hair on my back so jelly had nothing to hook on to. Unfortunately my bum crack did not have the same state of baldness !
Thus when I scratched the offending itch I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt. I communicated to my superior up on the surface using the full face mask radio system. She relayed the instruction but they were difficult to make out as she along with 5 colleagues were all laughing uncontrollably . OK I thought
time to call the dive quits and head back  !
When I finally understood my superior in between her fits of laughter , she told me to make 3 in-water decomp stops before I came to the surface. This took a total of 35 excruciating minutes, the longest half hour of my life !!
By the time I surfaced  I had nothing on but my hood, ditching my wet suit on painful ascent. The medic came over , snorting with laughter  mind you ! and handed me a tub of cream to rub on my  ..ahem.. area as soon as I got in the decomp chamber . The cream helped relieve the fiery itch but I couldn't poo for 2 whole days as my butt had swollen shut !
 So whenever  you next feel down at work, think about having a jellyfish shoved up your bum and repeat after me..... " I love my, I love my job, I love my job "
Love Ken x

Offline Colin walsh

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #10 on: July 03, 2020, 07:12:58 AM »
Hi, I pad problems,will some knowledgeable person explain to me ,why ,I can no longer access E bay,or Apple services plus many other apps I have successfully used over the last five years?all I get is"this service is no longer available to your device".i understand it is affectid by a change in the IOS banding system being upgraded,simply put will this mean I have to invest in a new I pad to be able to maintain the status que,greatfull for any help .

Offline Dave Smith

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #9 on: July 02, 2020, 09:48:21 AM »
A little poem for you to ponder upon.
" A fellow feeling, makes us wonderous kind".
But perhaps the poet might have changed his mind
if, in a crowd he chanced to find,
a fellow feeling in his pocket behind!

Offline Colin walsh

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #8 on: June 13, 2020, 04:29:45 PM »
I was a sergeant In the arm,one evening a fellow lady sergeant,invited me to spend the nite at her place
She was a lovly girl,Sgt Tina ,in the morning as I left she said,"do you want some breakfast ,I can give you bacon and eggs"I replied "no thank you,don't fry for me sergeant Tina"😁

Offline MartinR

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #7 on: June 13, 2020, 12:53:51 PM »
The late, great, Dr Fred Dibnah MBE told many a funny tale when he did his "An Evening with Fred Dibnah" theatre talks.  One I particularly recall was:
Fred was offered some stone chimney pots, but they were a distance away, up a steep hill.  He hitched up the trailer to his steam roller and set off to get them.  They were heavy, but he got them loaded into the trailer and set off home.  Coming down the hill he was breaking hard, but smooth steel wheels don't have much grip on tarmac and as he said "I realised I wasn't driving a roller but a sledge".  At the bottom of the hill there was a tight corner, and Fred realised that he would never make it, and rather than crash into a drystone wall he aimed for the field entrance, crashed through the gate and ended up with the engine nose down in the mud.  The front forks had snapped off, so recovery would take a while.  A man from the neighbouring house came out and asked if he could take photos.  "Yes, said Fred, if I can have a copy of them".  The roller was duly recovered some days later and Fred knocked on the house door.  "Hi, I'm the idiot that crashed a roller into your field.  Have you got some photos?"  "Oh, yes, um, I'm the idiot that forgot to remove my lens cap!"

Offline Lyn L

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #6 on: June 13, 2020, 11:16:04 AM »
Me too at 15yrs first job and being the 'infant' was the one who went just up the road for the filled rolls for our department. They were such a lovely couple who ran the shop but I went in all dainty like and very naive , "OOH I'm ravished "  he did put me right  and tell me I meant famished  ;D .


KeithG

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #5 on: June 13, 2020, 10:26:52 AM »
I was 15yrs and quite naieve and my boss told me this:

There were two old ladies who were getting their studio photograph taken... The photographer was under his hood with the camera on a tripod, he said loudly I am just going to focus and one old lady said "What both of us?"

pete.mason

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #4 on: June 13, 2020, 08:49:44 AM »
In my days in Soft Furnishings, often asked "Where can I get felt?"   Difficult one to answer & still keep your job.

Offline Invicta Alec

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #3 on: June 12, 2020, 08:12:13 PM »
I sold cars for a living in the late 1980s. The salesman's joke that we all knew was as follows.........


Salesman : How can I help you sir?


Customer : I want a car for my wife.


Salesman : Well, lets have a look at her then!  ;D




Alec.


Offline grandarog

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #2 on: June 12, 2020, 06:17:27 PM »

Offline Dave Smith

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Funnies
« Reply #1 on: June 12, 2020, 02:43:55 PM »
On the old KHF, I think it was Colin Penny who started this topic, which was added to from time to time. I've been doing a bit of family history during this lock down & discovered a great,great uncle was killed at the battle of little big horn. He wasn't involved as such, just camping in the field next door. As he couldn't sleep, he went across to complain about the noise!